Emerging from the darkness

It’s November, and a lot has happened since my last blog post.

I’ve gone through some challenges that have consumed a lot of energy and taken a large toll on my mental health.

The first challenge had to do with filing my taxes. I tried out a new tax company this year. (As a US citizen I have the privilege of reporting and paying taxes on my worldwide income.) What was supposed to be a quick, easy experience was quite the opposite.

Another challenge had to do with dealing with getting a new fridge. The one that was delivered didn’t work, and it became a huge headache trying to get a replacement. After multiple phone calls and a visit from a technician, I found out the company would only be able to provide a replacement fridge 2 or 3 weeks later. In the end I didn’t have a working fridge for almost 2 weeks, which resulted in eating out during that time. I ended up buying a new fridge from another company, and the refund for the defective one took a few months to come through.

I also had some bad luck with a challenging student. While I collect payment in advance to reserve class times and get a signed contract, it did not stop a student from filing a complaint with SERNAC (the Chilean Better Business Bureau). It became apparent to me that the best decision for my mental health was to give them a refund of the remaining classes and allow myself to focus my energy on other students.

In addition to those experience, I had an adverse reaction to the booster shot. Chills and body aches eventually led to inflammation in my lungs, making it painful to breathe. After a visit to the ER in the middle of the night I was ok, but the bill for a few hours of treatment came to about $500 (with insurance).

The most challenging thing, however, had to do with trying to accelerate the growth of my teaching business. I started working with a company paying a large sum of money every month to advance my business. I experienced a myriad of problems with the company not living up to its promises, misrepresenting their qualifications, and being pushed to advertise myself as a native speaker in order to make sales. I tried to stick it out and told myself that maybe I was expecting too much (as I tend to do sometimes). The last straw came when I was torn down in a Zoom group call, which led to a post-traumatic reaction triggered by previous verbal abuse.

My self-esteem was shattered. I had put my faith in this program and their promises. The program was supposed to be all about support, but it felt like quite the opposite. I mustered up the courage to advocate for myself, and I managed to fight myself out of the year-long contract.

The last experience has left me feeling quite cynical. I’m working to heal and forgive myself for having made the mistake of investing in the program, as it felt like money that went down the drain.

I feel like these experiences by themselves would have been manageable, but one thing after another was almost more than I could bear. I went through a long bout of depression, with days of barely being able to get out of bed and barely being able to connect for my classes.

Despite that, I have a lot to be grateful for, and learning and positives have come out of these experiences:

• I’m fortunate that I have had access to medical care, including medication and therapy to help me get through these challenges. I also leaned on a few close friends that lent me an ear and that I was able to count on.
• I’m fortunate that I have extra money in the bank. Paying for an unexpected trip to the ER and needing to wait a few months for the refund for a defective fridge would be impossible for people in other financial circumstances.
• I’ve learned to trust myself more. I don’t have to buy something just because someone says I need it, and I can be more discerning about how I invest money in the future.
• I’ve learned that businesses are not always going to follow through with their promises, and overpromising and underdelivering happens more often than I would like to think.
• I’ve learned to respect myself more. I can take control of situations, advocate for myself, and decide which battles to fight and which to let go of. This also includes the people that I surround myself with.

In terms of my professional life, some positives have also happened during this time:

• José Luis and I were interviewed as guests on the Everything EFL podcast hosted by Erin O’Byrne. You can listen to the episode on Spotify here.
• José Luis and I also interviewed an amazing teacher, Maria Glazunova. She has a wealth of experience and is passionate about self-care for teachers. You can see the interview here.
• I gave a workshop on self-care at the Change Virtual Conference for language teachers in early October. It was great reconnecting with teachers that I had met virtually the year before. It has been uploaded to YouTube, and you can see it here.
• My classes remained relatively stable during those tumultuous months, and my students show empathy and flexibility as I navigated each situation.

So where does this leave me now?

• First off, I’ve been giving myself some time to just focus on providing great classes for my students.
• In October I took a trip to Viña del Mar, a beach city about an hour and a half from Santiago. I decided to treat myself to staying in a hotel; all of my previous trips there were staying in hostels. Getting away for 3 days really helped me to relax and enjoy a short change of scenery.
• I’ve also been meeting with friends inside for the first time since the pandemic started. Simple things like playing board games and sharing a coffee or meal have been a big part of my healing process, and it’s something I need to remind myself of.
• I’m considering what I’d like to offer in the future related to workshops, coaching, and helping teachers go freelance.
• I want to get back to blogging on a regular basis and reestablish my presence on social media.

I’m working on letting go of the past and focusing on making the best of the present and future.

If you have struggled or are struggling with your mental health, please know that you’re not alone. There are resources out there to help you get through difficult times, and things do get better. If anyone reading this would like some suggestions of getting help feel free to leave a comment and I’ll do what I can to help.

Thanks for reading.